The Hardest Years of Marriage: Why They Happen & How to Thrive Through Them
If you’ve been married for more than five minutes, you already know it’s not always the fairy tale Instagram makes it look like.
Marriage is beautiful, yes. It can also be maddening, messy, and sometimes downright exhausting. I’ve been there more than once.
In my first marriage, I remember thinking, “We’ll never be the couple who struggles. We love each other too much.” But life has a way of testing that belief. Over time, communication broke down, resentments quietly built up, and we started living more like roommates than partners.
It wasn’t that we didn’t care; we just didn’t know how to navigate the hard seasons in a way that kept us connected.
Ultimately, that marriage ended in divorce. And as painful as it was, it became one of my greatest teachers.
Why Some Years in Marriage Feel Harder Than Others
Statistically, there are certain seasons that tend to be more challenging:
Year 1: Learning to merge your lives and expectations.
Year 5–7: The infamous seven-year itch, where boredom or disconnection can set in.
Major Life Shifts: New babies, career changes, loss, health struggles.
In my first marriage, it wasn’t about a single “danger year” — it was about the slow drift. Fewer date nights. Shorter conversations. Less eye contact. Over time, the connection that had once felt so natural started to feel like work… and we didn’t yet know how to show up for that work.
How My Divorce Shaped the Way I Love Now
When Adam and I got together, we made a conscious choice: we weren’t going to drag the unhealed parts of ourselves into this relationship. That meant doing the deep, uncomfortable work first—looking at what went wrong in our past relationships, owning our part in it, and actively healing those patterns.
For me, that meant:
Speaking up before resentment builds.
Dropping the silent scorekeeping.
Staying curious about what’s going on for my partner instead of assuming.
Because here’s the truth: if you don’t heal it, you’ll just repeat it, with a different face and name.
Common Triggers for the Hard Years
Through both personal experience and my work as a relationship coach, I’ve seen these triggers over and over:
Unspoken Expectations – You think your partner should “just know” what you need, and they think the same about you.
Daily Life Overload – You stop dating each other. Life becomes all logistics, no magic.
Emotional Bank Account in the Red – Little resentments pile up until it feels like you’re always starting at a deficit.
IIn my first marriage, unspoken expectations were like landmines, waiting to explode when they weren’t met. With Adam, I’ve learned to name them before they grow into something bigger.
How to Navigate the Hardest Years of Marriage
1. Name the Season You’re In
When you can say, “We’re in a rough season right now,” it removes the shame and reminds you both it’s temporary.
2. Bring Back Novelty
Hard years are often boring years. Plan something new—a trip, a workshop, even a themed date night. Novelty creates dopamine, and dopamine is connection fuel.
3. Fight the Drift
You don’t go from deeply in love to strangers overnight—it’s the little moments of drifting apart. Find daily anchors: coffee together in the morning, a kiss before bed, a shared walk.
4. Get Curious Before You Get Critical
Instead of “Why are you acting like that?” try “Hey, what’s going on for you right now?” Curiosity opens the door; criticism slams it shut.
The Takeaway: Hard Years Aren’t the End
My first marriage ending in divorce taught me the cost of letting disconnection go unaddressed. My marriage with Adam has shown me the power of intentionally tending to the parts of ourselves that could get in the way.
Now, I see hard seasons as invitations to look at what’s working, what’s not, and what we want to create next.
You don’t just “get through” tough seasons. You use them. You decide whether they pull you apart or pull you closer.
And if you’re in one of those years right now, take a deep breath. Name the season. Reach for your partner. And remember, it’s not the year that decides the fate of your marriage. It’s what you choose to do with it.
If you’re in a hard season and want guidance to reconnect, rebuild trust, and bring back intimacy, I’d love to help.
Book a Private Relationship Coaching Session or explore my Couples Coaching Programs to start creating the marriage you actually want to be in.
